Lust for sex: The (small) difference between men and women

As wonderful and harmonious as sex is, male and female lust unfortunately function extremely differently. And hardly anything is as clichéd as the idea of female and male sexuality. It is often said that women would look for a producer and breadwinner for their children – and would therefore be rather reluctant when it comes to sex and the choice of their sex partners.

Men, on the other hand, have to spread their genetic material as widely as possible, which is why they are out and about in many beds. It always sounded super convincing. But fortunately this thesis is now being doubted.

The American author Daniel Bergner (“The hidden lust of women”) believes to have recognized that the lust of women is much greater than that of men. “The image of a woman who only uses her sexuality to find a partner for life is wrong.” According to Bergner, women are even less suited than men to monogamy.

An exciting thesis, considering that the social image says that women are less sex-oriented and should have fewer sexual partners than men. Regardless of whether Bergner’s thesis is correct or not, we should begin to carry around less old clichés with us when it comes to the topic of female and male sexuality.

Chaste woman – wild man: old clichés and their effect

Because the dusty image of female sexuality has its effect on us and our lust. Even if we are not aware of it at all. The development of sexual desire is influenced by numerous physical and psychological factors: lifestyle, hormones, fantasies, feelings and education. No wonder, then, that the fairy tale of the chaste woman and the greedy man still exists in our minds and influences us.

Many also still think that men could more easily separate sex and feelings. Which is nonsense, of course. A woman can also feel like having sex with a man without being in love with him.

What is true, however, is that sexuality for a man is rather something physical, whereas for women the head is always involved. So anyone who is totally stuck in everyday stress or feels completely unloved will not be able to flip the switch directly as a woman and have fantastic sex. So you could – but not as fast as a man.

The influence of hormones

And because the whole thing with the desire and the sex between woman and man is not already complicated enough, also the physical conditions for the desire with woman and man are extremely different.

Testosterone is the lust hormone par excellence – in both men and women. In men the sex hormone is produced by the testicles and (in small amounts) by the adrenal gland, in women by the ovaries and the adrenal gland. The female testosterone level is lower than the male testosterone level. However, this does not necessarily mean that women would feel less sexual appetite. The female body reacts much more sensitively to testosterone than the male organism. In this respect, the unfair distribution of testosterone is balanced again. So far, so good.

However, a woman’s desire is also subject to major hormone fluctuations, especially during the menstrual cycle. In the days before ovulation, the female body registers an estrogen high. Then the libido is also at its peak (different in women who use hormonal contraception). After childbirth, on the other hand, the milk hormone prolactin is produced, which slows down lust. Thus, female lust varies constantly up to a certain degree depending on the cycle.

Age and sexual desire

Women and men also tick differently when it comes to age: in men, sexual desire is present from puberty and the first masturbations. Up to the age of 50, sexual desire is very pronounced and can slowly diminish. Some men enter menopause with increasing age, this hormonal change is known as the andropause (in contrast to menopause, the end of menstruation in women). During the andropause the testosterone production decreases and causes a decrease of the libido in men.

  • In women, pleasure awakens a little later and increases steadily with time and, above all, experience.
  • Sexual maturity is reached at about 35 years of age.
  • During menopause, the estrogen level drops and the ovaries produce less testosterone. But since psychological factors are also involved in female libido, desire does not necessarily decrease: women with a certain degree of maturity often have better sex than young women.

The best time for her and for him

As a woman you often ask yourself: Why does he always want to sleep with me in the morning, even though I am not really awake? Is that due to the morning bar? His erotic dreams? However, the cause can be explained very physically: The testosterone level of the man rises in the morning by 30 percent! This is how his exuberant libido can be explained when he wakes up.

If men are prepared to do all the shameful things in the morning, we women usually feel differently. Many women feel the need to be relaxed and balanced and to have a clear head in order to feel like having sex. And the best moment for this is rather in the evening, when all tasks are done and you can relax. Even during the seasons man and woman do not play in the same league thanks to their biorhythm. In women, the desire awakens at the beginning of spring because the oestrogen level rises. With men, the senses do not unfold until a little later, when summer comes.

Talk and do

The crux with lust can of course put a lot of strain on a relationship: because when it comes to sex, we are sensitive. After all, everyone wants to be appreciated and desired. If the partner has no desire, the other feels rejected. In order to avoid quarrels and misunderstandings, therefore, only talking and making one or the other compromise helps.

And for all those who often think they are too stressed and busy or not with their heads around, we recommend the old saying: “Appetite comes with eating”. Therefore simply switch off your head and enjoy. Away with the stupid To Dos of the everyday life and here with the love! Sex connects two people, it welds them closer together. And desire can fall asleep and then escape a relationship very much. And often a relationship can even fail due to lack of physicality.